Making Friends with Failure: Guest Post by Sarah Aronson

As I mentioned in Monday’s post, today on the blog is a guest post written by the marvelous Sarah Aronson, author of the Wish List series, published by Scholastic, and other books. (Check out her website for a list of her books.) If you have read this blog in the last year or so, you will remember Sarah from this post and this one. And now, take it away Sarah!

If you know me in real life, you know I love a good graduation speech. This is partly because I grew up in academia, so I’ve heard a lot of them.

Two favorites were John Irving reading a work-in-progress, and Millicent Fenwick’s message to the Rutgers College Class of 1983: Be careful who you marry. (Great advice that was largely unappreciated.)

 

But mostly, like many writers and artists, I love a great perseverance story—a story that details someone overcoming years of rejection and failure and self-loathing, to finally get a lucky break and succeed.

This year, my favorite message of perseverance comes from Abby Wambach at Barnard College. (Note: she was the inspiration for Parker in Beyond Lucky—so in general—I’m a BIG FAN!)

   

She said,

Here’s something the best athletes understand, but seems like a hard concept for non-athletes to grasp. Non-athletes don’t know what to do with the gift of failure. So they hide it, pretend it never happened, reject it outright—and they end up wasting it. Listen: Failure is not something to be ashamed of. It’s something to be POWERED by. Failure is the highest octane fuel your life can run on. You gotta learn to make failure your fuel.

You can read the whole speech here.

I like how she puts this. Failure is a gift. Not something to fear. That’s because when we fail, we learn. We make connections. We grow. And thus, we should feel good about it. We should celebrate our failures. We don’t have to feel alone. And yet, we need to talk about it all the time.

Social media is packed with threads on perseverance and the struggle to succeed. Most of these messages are pragmatic. And hopeful. Successful creators offer the struggling artist hope: if you keep failing, someday, you will succeed.

For what it’s worth, I’ve written many times about my writing journey, my tangle (or perhaps tango) with failure and success. I have shared the moments when I hit rock bottom, when I promised myself I would find another path. I have shared how I challenged myself to write without expectations—to write for writing’s sake alone.

But this is what I’ve come to understand. When I was failing, talking on and on about how hard it was, I already knew what success felt like. The truth is, most people who write about failure only talk about it after they have succeeded. I rarely see anything about written about failure, while the failing is happening.

This was one of the reasons I wrote The Wish List series. In The Wish List, Isabelle seems to always be on the brink of failure. She does not like to study—because she has some learning issues. She has a hard time concentrating. Just in case that’s not hard enough, she has a high-performing sister. She is the daughter of the biggest failure of all, the worst fairy godmother ever.

  

Because of these books, I have spoken to lots of kids about kindness, determination, gusto, and failure. I’ve told them about my childhood failures (I came late to reading), and about the many drafts I always need to get the stories right. I tell them about the manuscripts that line my desk drawers. About what it feels like to hear no. To not know if YES is ever going to happen.

I will never forget the young reader who waited until everyone else was gone to ask me, “What if I’m not good at anything?”

She came to mind as I read Abby’s motivating speech. I opened up a discussion about failure on Facebook, in preparation for a session on Making Friends with Failure at nErDcamp Kansas.

Very quickly a few things became clear: Failure is not so easy in the present tense. Many of us need to experience a period of mourning—some time to get beyond it. (So if that’s you, don’t feel bad!) More important, fear of failure holds us back. It can keep us from taking risks that would pay off! It keeps us from envisioning greatness—from striving for more.

Although many acknowledged failure and its usefulness, many writers were privately grateful that they did not begin their journeys in this age of social media, where all of us are inundated with distractions that can make us all feel low, worthless, and overlooked.

This is what scares me: in a life surrounded by stories of success, many of us are feeling anxiety. And sadness. We feel out of control. Not safe. We don’t celebrate the process as much as we should.

In Kansas, I shared this feedback. Then I asked the teachers how they approach failure with their students. Right away, I was filled with hope.

Compassionate teachers talked about responding to failure by specifically and meaningfully talking about what went right.

They talked about using humor to quash sadness, but at the same time, knowing that everyone is different. Sometimes, humor doesn’t work. Sometimes we simply need to feel it.

And of course, we talked about the power of community—about how much better we feel about risk taking when we feel supported and safe. Creativity—and great books are born—when TRYING is celebrated—when it is actually rewarded.

Dear writers,
Can we do that?
Can we use humor? Can we embrace sadness? Can we set measurable goals and celebrate them? Can we help each other feel safe?
Can we make friends with failure?

This is what I work to foster in my Highlights retreats and classes at writers.com. I set out to lower the bar, to let writers take risks. I want them to fail gloriously. Because when we do, in fact, only when we do, we succeed.

In those failures, we see seeds. Seeds and glimmers of what will be a foundation for a better draft. A deeper story. A more authentic character.

Take it from Teddy Roosevelt.

It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.

Writers, get into the arena. Be curious. Make trouble. Strive for what you want, but along the way, don’t cower, because failure is part of the process. You have to get used to it. If we stick together, we can all embrace it.

L. Marie here. Sarah just released the third book in her Wish List series, Halfway to Happily Ever After.


Book four of the series will debut on January 29, 2019. By the way, a picture book by Sarah, Just like Rube Goldberg, will debut on March 12, 2019.

I’ll be giving away a copy of Halfway to Happily Ever After to a commenter. The winner will be revealed on June 21.

Wish list book covers courtesy of Sarah Aronson. Beyond Lucky cover from Goodreads. Abby Wambach photo from gossipbucket.com. Teddie Roosevelt photo from commons.wikimedia.org. John Irving photo from sites.google.com. Millicent Fenwick photo from greatthoughtstreasury.com. Failure sign from teachertoolkit.me. Failure cartoon from clipartpanda.com. Other failure image from hownottodosocialwork.wordpress.com. Risk-Failure image from brucecoaching.com. Man in egg image from stevenaichison.co.uk. Success-failure image from livingwithtrust.com.

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37 thoughts on “Making Friends with Failure: Guest Post by Sarah Aronson

  1. Great post, Sarah! Roosevelt’s words are so empowering. We have a framed copy hanging in our home as a reminder to always keep trying, no matter the outcome. Congratulations on your latest release. I love your covers!

  2. “What if I’m not good at anything?” Oh, my heart. What a question, for one so young.

    A great post, Sarah. Thank you, Linda, as always, for your blog and its important messages. If only we could embrace failure, as you’ve defined it, Sarah. What a difference our perspective would be.

    • This is one of the most important functions of a community–to share these milestones as they are happening. If social media is encouraging us to hide until our failures become success, all the more reason for strong community! It can be a long road. We need each other!

  3. Great reminder, Sarah. “Failure” can be a motivating force for sure.

    Growth requires that we expand our boundaries, step out of our comfort zone, and explore new vistas ~ we are not intended to hang on to the shoreline for the duration of our visit. There’s a time for letting go. WHEE!!!

    Thanks, L. Marie ~ you rock!

  4. Great post! Reminds me of a Churchill quote – he had a quote for everything! – “Success consists of going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm”.

    As usual, please don’t enter me for the giveaway since I am a child-free zone… 😀

  5. <>

    Because of this quote, I’ve forwarded this wonderful piece to my daughter, who asked herself that question all the way through school and has now become an elementary school teacher committed to helping children who don’t see themselves as successful to find and build on their strengths. It’s hard for those children when their value for so much of their day and year is measured by A’s, B’s, C’s, and F’s. I’m also buying the entire series for her classroom next year.

    • Wonderful, Lyn! I’m so glad you passed this to your daughter! This is a great way to help guide children through this important step in their lives.

  6. I have just read another blog on the topic of failure . The writer of the blog said her failures finally had helped her to work about herself and by this way she has progressed .
    Love ❤
    Michel

  7. Yesssssss!
    Especially relevant in this biased towards ‘success is only positive stuff’ society (my paraphrase on the concept!)
    Dear old Winston Churchill is quoted as saying:
    “Success is not final; failure is not fatal. It is the courage to continue that counts.”
    (he)artists: soldier on!
    🙂

  8. What a wonderful post!
    I have always been grateful that my parents, especially my father, allowed me to fail, to learn how to deal with failure, and to use it to succeed. Much appreciation for the speech and the quotes – and your works. Thank you.

    • What a valuable lesson, Penny. I feel sorry for kids who aren’t allowed to fail. Some face shame because of failure. I’m glad your dad helped instill the grace to fail within you.

  9. What a great blog post! I’m writing a MC who fails terribly at what she loves most, and doesn’t see the way out until she accepts this failure as a stepping stone. Reading this I got a major insight into her struggle. Thank you!

  10. Failure is such an important lesson. As a teacher, we model for students how to handle failure (as do parents). I hate when we throw our hands up (usually over technology) and call an expert. Really? Don’t even try? Sigh.

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